Kadang, Aku hidup malam ini bukan untuk Tuhanku, pun Aku

Sering kegerilyaan dalam penyesalan aku perbuat hanya semata

Bukan sanak tidak familiar, berjanji sehidup semati dalam perbedaan

diantara Pecundang Internal, ababil tengik

Puas puas puas, cuma itu. Tuhan, tolong, aku -chibi

Pendusta dari ribuan pendusta yang sukanya cari aman,

lindungilah Aku

Dari lidah-lidah penggoda

Zat pembawa bencana

> Api Abadi Masa Kini

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catatan singkat ini saya buat sambil BBan, lupa kapan

I find myself in a constant state of confusion. I feel happy, content with my life but every day I wake into the light of the morning sun questioning everything. I know questioning things is good, yet I can’t help but wonder if it ever holds me back? Does all this analysis lead to paralysis? I question not only question everything around me but perhaps, most importantly, myself. That can’t be good can it? Or is it? Or am I just over thinking?

These are questions I find myself asking on a daily basis:

• Am I supposed to know what I want to do by now?
• If so, am I supposed to know how to do it?
• If not, will I need to find out soon?
• How do I find out?
• Do I want you?
• Do I want anyone?
• Do I just want wine and chocolate?
• Am I supposed to find things this hard?
• Is it normal to be this confused?
• Are other people this confused?
• Is it okay to ask people if they are confused?
• What do I want for dinner tonight?
• Is it supposed to look like that?
• Am I good enough for this?
• Am I good enough for anything?
• Is that song I just wrote mega cringe?
• I think that song I just wrote was mega cringe…
• Why am I not Joni Mitchell?
• Why am I not Bob Dylan?
• Why am I not Beyoncé?
• Did that person just double take at my face?
• Maybe I look really good today?
• Maybe they think I’m really pretty?
• Or maybe I look like a troll?
• Probably a troll
• What do I want?

This can’t just be me can it?

_____

By Ariel Jones on Thought Catalog